Remembering to Learn. . .

I remember a time, when I spent most of my days in and out of hospitals and doctors offices. When I had allergic reactions to medications, or the doctors overdosed me with "new" drugs. I remember an old friend who told others my story so maybe they would understand my situation. I remember another who called and called until she got through to tell someone to get me to the ER.
I remember waking up on a hospital bed with the doctor standing by my side telling me that I need to tell my mother some things, and they were going to start me on some other medication. I remember my mom. . .rolling her eyes, her lips in grimace, and her hands crossed across her chest. I remember it always, somehow, was my own fault.
I remember telling myself that I must have a purpose if I couldn't end my life through means of somehow hurting myself. I remember telling myself that if I was going to make it through the good and the bad, I must learn from my mistakes and others, and never repeat. And. . .to this day, I do.
I've learned that no matter how desperate I get to have just one good friend, no one will ever be able to hear me like my family does. Nor will they understand.
I've learned that although, people seem to be nice and/or fun at first. There is always a little bad in everyone. So, I must keep my guard up.
I've learned that I'm no exception to that rule.
I've learned that the ones closest to you will hurt you the most, and most of the time, they won't even know they have. Give those that matter second chances, but don't set yourself up to be hurt like that again.
I've learned that some--if not, most--people NEVER change. And, if they do, I can't change them. I can only be the "change" that I want to see in them. . . and pray.
Discernment. . .One word. More powerful than 1,000. A gift that only few possess. And only a few of those who possess it, actually use it.
I've learned that people either have book smarts or they have common sense. And Knowledge and wisdom is not the same as either one of those. These two only come with experience. Common sense and BookSmarts are innate.

I've learned whether it's one thing or ten things that I learn in one day. They are all as important as each other. And that acknowledging these learned things, gives me knowledge and power and strength.
A strength that is more powerful than any physical strength.
A knowledge that helps me make it through the next day.
And a power that is only as powerful as its beholder.

"God Doesn't Like Bad"

This famous quote was said by some Jersey girl on American Idol in Season 6. Ironically, she didn't make it as far as she thought she was going to. . .

The truth is, we all are "bad" at some point in our life, but the truth is, God looks past that. It's not what's in your mind. It is what is in your heart. And, thankfully, God knows each of our hearts. We all mess up, but we must learn true forgiveness.

Actually, in God's eye, all sin -- or "bad" -- is the same. In fact, the Bible says,

How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your
eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite,
first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove
the speck from your brother's eye.

How Will You React?
This was written by Kelly McFadden

"If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth. Whether a tree falls to the south or to the
north, in the place where it falls, there will it lie." —Ecclesiastes
11:3

After living in England for a year, I was finally flying home. I decided to fly standby on an earlier flight from Heathrow to Los Angeles. I presented my standby request to the gate representative, and watched as the room began to fill with other passengers.

After an hour, they began boarding the plane and calling standby passengers on board. I watched as not just one, but a dozen people were called ahead of me. The room was nearly empty and the flight was loaded. About five minutes before take off, my name was called. A huge wave of relief rushed over me. I was on.

What frustrates me, though, is that I spent probably 24 hours stressing over whether or not I would get on this flight. As a result, I was short with my husband as he helped me pack. I was rude to the taxi driver because I felt stressed and in a hurry. I never smiled at anyone walking into the terminal because all I could think about was me.

Perhaps you have things like this in your own life as well. Areas you stress about, get angry over and worry about that you have absolutely no control over. Whether it's cancelled or delayed flights, a rainstorm when you planned an outdoor event, waiting in line at the checkout counter, a restaurant not serving you as quickly as you would like, or something else. Solomon knew that there was a lot in life that was out of his control. If the clouds are full of water, then it will rain. If they're not, it won't. If they have a seat, I will get on the flight. If they don't, I won't.

It is easy to get caught up in the moment and panic as you try to control everything going on around you. But there is great wisdom in what Solomon is saying. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow. There are things in our life, in fact most things in our life, over which we have no control. What we do control is how we react. Will we be short with a waiter because our food isn't perfect or will we explain kindly our need? Will we be rude to others because our flight has been cancelled, or will we be able to take a deep breath and remember that where a tree falls, it falls?

Can insecurity in a marriage work?

Been together for five years. Been married for three. Crazy how fast time flies. . .

The truth is, when he proposed, we were at a very rocky point in our relationship, but he was about to leave to come work up here in Dallas, and I think maybe he felt like the proposal would fix things in my head. Truth is, though, it did. . .

Now, here we are. . .Only I have changed. And I continue to. . . Getting further away from myself. Who I am.
But he hasn't. . .He won't. . .In his eyes, it's all me.

Maybe it is. . .

Look Around, Someone Always Has It Worse. . .

I just wanted to post this one for all of those people going through a hard time right now.

Mother's Day/Camping Trip

Mother's Day was just yesterday, and I actually had more fun this past weekend with Jason and McKeonly than I did my whole week of "vacation." Only because we spent every second together this weekend and we were out of the house.

We decided to go on a fishing/camping trip this weekend, and so when Jason got home from work Friday, we sat down and looked at nearby lakes. We found one that was about an hour and-a-half away, and Saturday we left out around noon. Between stops and everything, we got there about 2:00. It was raining when we first got there, but it passed after about 20 minutes. Then we all bailed out of the truck, set up the tent, and went fishing.

McKeonly caught her first fish right off. A catfish. I caught some catfish, and a bass. Then, went the sun started going down, McKeonly and I started catching perch(Sunfish) left and right. We all really had a great time. Jason brought his fishing pole, but for the most part, he was running back and forth between me and McKeonly taking the fish off the hooks, releasing them, and setting our lines back up with some bait.

He said that he was excited though, because that was what he was looking forward to.

After several hours of fishing, we started up our grill, and made up hamburgers and hotdogs. Then we all piled into the tent--quickly, so not to let the bugs in--and laid down.

We have a two-bedroom tent, so McKeonly bundled up in her new sleeping bag, and Jason and I crashed on the blow-up bed. Jason and I unzipped the window on our side, and we just sat up talking about stuff while looking out at the lake and the trees. Almost total tranquility: to be with the one you love so much--that person you can't see yourself without-- listening to nothing but the frogs croaking and the crickets chirping, and the fish splashing idiosyncronously throughout the waters surrounding you.

This photo was actually taken Sunday morning just as the sun was coming up. There was a fog that was over the water that was so gorgeous.

Sunday, we woke up as soon as the sun peaked over the hills, and started fishing again. Then, I went back up to our campsite, and made up bacon and eggs for breakfast. It was pretty good. I've never cooked food over and open fire like that, but I really kinda liked it. Since it was my first time, I was worried I wasn't going to be able to get it to work, so when the bacon started sizzling, I had to throw down a little victory dance.

Meanwhile, McKeonly and Jason stayed down along the bank catching fish after fish. Then they came up, and we all ate together. Afterwards, we decided to take the truck around to another part of the lake, and try out some fishing over there, but we really didn't have any luck.

By 11:00a, I was ready to go though. I was ready to take a clean shower, and the bugs were pretty bad. There were swarms of fireants, flying ants that bit, and little nats that love to fly right by your ear just to annoy you.

While Jason and McKeonly went back to the bank to fish, I gathered up all of our stuff and loaded it into the truck. I was able to take a picture from my cell phone of a bass they caught. McKeonly liked petting them.

Aside from the bugs, this was the most enjoyable trip I've ever had with Jason and McKeonly!

Vacation is Over!

Well. . .I call it vacation. I guess because that's what Jason's work calls it for payroll purposes. The truth is, it really wasn't "vacation." We went back to his parents for the entire time. Don't get me wrong, I love his parents to death, but honestly, I see Jason less when we go back, and I talk to him less too.
I guess I have mixed emotions. When I'm there, at first, I'm excited, but his mom and I conflict on so many different things, and there's a lack of respect as well. So, after the fourth or fifth day, the tolerance is mostly out the window. For both of us(his mom and I).
Plus, my back went out on Wednesday, and I was stuck in a recliner for two and a half days. That sucked. I'm still not totally over it, but it's a heck of a lot better than it was. By Saturday, I was so ready to come back it was sickening.

But, Sunday came, and we left, and I was a little sad. I think it's because they are so far away, and I know it will be the last time I see them for at least a few months. Really, the only good part, is being back home in my own house, sleeping on my own bed, and having my own schedule. That, is real, real nice!

Living life. Learning lessons.

Lessons I've learned in my life.

1. You can't change people. Only yourself. You should be the "change" you want to see in others.

2. The worst hurt a person can feel is not when they hurt themselves. It's when they hurt those closest to them.

3. Life is a simple term for a never-ending, fast-paced, educational adventure. Learn something new every day. Don't take things for granted.

4. In a realtionship, a man thrives on the "three minutes of glory" while the women thrives on three hours of communication, closeness, and honesty.

5. Being a stay-at-home mom is far more exhausting that working 40 hours a week. The work at home is never finished, and you are there most of the time to notice.

6. A house is a structure where people eat and sleep. A home is a place where unconditional love exists throughout.

7. Be very careful of who you let in your "inner circle." Most people are out only for themselves.

8. If you worry about the small things all the time, you'll always miss out on what's most important in life.

9. To truly love someone is a gift. To be loved by someone is a blessing.

10. Not all people are capable of love. These people manipulate and twist things so they are in their own favor. You will get hurt. The question is how long will you allow it to go on.


If at the end of each day, you sat and thought back on things you learned --not about others but-- about yourself. What could you do, to make yourself a better person. What could you do to show others how to treat you right.

Vacation?!?

Jason is taking a week's vacation this next week. And, guess where we're going?! Right, to see family. for the whole week AND the weekends preceding and following. Yea! I guess. I'm ready to start taking vacations to places we haven't been. Somewhere out of the normal.
In a way, I understand where Jason comes from. He's always been extremely close with his family, and this is one of the few times we get to see them.
Jason is just worried that the time will pass so fast, and one day, he'll wake up and his loved ones will have passed on. He doesn't want to miss out.
Honestly, I don't blame him. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you, and to wish you would have spent more time with them.

So, for now, I guess I will keep my mouth shut, and enjoy this time away with our family. It really isn't bad there either. I actually enjoy myself a LOT when I'm there. McKeonly always has a blast. And Jason, of course, he loves every minute of it. He gets to go fishing, hunting, shooting prairie dogs, and most importantly, he gets to spend time with his dad and his uncle(who is like a second dad to him).

A Different Take on Life's Priorities

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had something in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked one more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things--God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The material things.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse or children out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.The professor smiled, "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple cups of coffee with a friend."

It's Gonna Be. . .A Lovely Day

For the past few days, I've been having a difficult time dealing with some things.

Recently, I decided to make a mends with my family, and begin a new relationship with them all. I told myself to separate each one and have a separate relationship with each one individually. Just like you would with friends. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as I'd planned on it being.
The truth is, there is no way to accomplish this when they are mostly all attached to the source of drama and separation: my mom. She never has wanted us to be close. Even when we were growing up. I guess she just wanted us all to be dependent on her. It's worked so far for my three sisters. But my brother and I moved at least 6 hours away from it all, and we are living without that dependence on my mom. Actually, we are doing great compared to my sisters. We are living without government help. We are happily married to two wonderful people. And we are generally happy with the lives we've created without the help of our mom and dad. (Of course, finances and marriage are no easy walk in the park all the time.)
But, for some reason I can't get past the fact that my family is who they are, and they will never change. EVERY time I try to talk to any of them, I somehow get drug into the middle of some unneccesary drama. And . . .in the end, I get blamed for something. ALWAYS. I think it is because I am so far away, and I'm the easiest target because I'm not there to defend myself. But, the truth is, I don't need this drama in my life. There's nothing I can do to help it, and there's no reason why I should even be dealing with it.
So, after much prayer, I have come to the realization that I have to accept who these people are. They are NOT my family. Because MY family would not treat me this way. My family does not treat me this way. And my family has never forsaken me like I allowed these people to. This is a fact I will have to accept.

"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way."
"It really doesn't matter it the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on."
--Real Live Preacher, reallivepreacher.com

McKeonly's First Garden

Yesterday, McKeonly asked if she could get some flower seeds to plant. So, today Jason took her to the store and got her some anemone bulbs. When we got home, I spent about an hour digging up a spot in the backyard that would allow as much sunlight as the flowers would need.

Then McKeonly and Jason came out, and together we planted the "seeds." Then we covered them up with potting soil, and McKeonly watered them.

I broke out the video camera afterwards, while she was watering and "teaching" Daddy how to water them. It was so sweet. Although, she was thinking that she should be seeing flowers already.

Tonight, when I put her to bed, we talked about them, and I told her how she had to wait. But, I am hoping that they'll bloom within two to three weeks. For her sake. She's really anxious. I'll be posting the video up on my YouTube account which you can access through the "YouTube" link in the right column on this page.

I remember how badly I wanted to have a little boy, but every day, I am so thankful that I have this little girl. She is so loving and caring and interested in learning about everything that I do. We painted our toenails today too. Which made me pretty happy --and a little cautious-- that I have this little human being who wants to be just like me and do everything that I do.

I just love my life so much. I am so blessed!

Unanswered Prayers

I love this term, and I always have since Garth Brooks came out with this song back in the day. . .

I guess my 'unanswered prayers' have mostly made me realize that I pray to God more when I need Him and less when I'm doing just fine. The times when I get my own self in a mess, and I just pray to Him to ask for whatever I'm in need of rather than asking Him for what He has planned for me.

At the end of the day, though, I often sit back and reflect on my selfish 'wishes' that I had once prayed for God to make happen. . .that never did. . .And now I know why.

Thank you God, for the life you've given to me. My wonderful family, and home that You have provided for us. All of the blessings in my life that I forgot to ask for. Thank You!

Play Group

After an extreeemely long day yesterday away from McKeonly for something which turned out to be. . .more or less, a fluke, I decided to take up my friend's invite to a play group today.

It was actually pretty relaxing. To be able to get McKeonly and myself out of the house for a few hours. She played with all of the kids, we went to the park, and us moms were able to --for the most part-- sit down and talk. Of course, most of it revolved around the kids. All I can say was thank goodness Judy had a large house because there were us five moms and like 11 or 12 kids.

It was fun though. Everything about it. After 3 hours, though, I decided McKeonly was probably going to start showing that she needed her nap, so we ended up leaving so she could get it in. She did. In fact, we both did. I really am thankful that God has put some Godly women in my life. And, they all have good kids too so I wasn't constantly worrying about how McKeonly was doing with them.

It was a fun day.

The Meaning of "Help"

According to dictionary.com, there are several different meanings to this word, "help". It actually looks more like a word used to describe an unflattering sound coming from the body, and the more you say it, the more is sounds like an unflattering noise coming from some part of the body. But the actual meaning --or should I say meaningZZZZ-- are as follows:

1. to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist:
He sent her money to try and help her out, but she ended up going behind his back anyway.
2. to save; rescue; succor:
Had she not been passed out, she could have helped her nephew out of the pond where he drowned.
3. to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate:
The help of a lawyer would have kept things from getting this far
4. to be useful or profitable to:
Her quick actions helped her from getting hurt.
5. to refrain from; avoid (usually prec. by can or cannot):
She can't help that her parents have raised her to belive she cannot succeed without them.
6. to relieve or break the uniformity of:
Being six hours away helps her from getting caught in the middle of it all.
7. to relieve (someone) in need, sickness, pain, or distress.
She was able to help by calling the attorney for a consultation.
8. to remedy, stop, or prevent:
Nothing will help this pattern of dysfunction..
9. to serve food to at table (usually fol. by to):
Please, Help her to the door.
10. to serve or wait on (a customer), as in a store.
Them helping her hand-and-foot allowed her to become morbidly obese and develop diabetes.

The point of all of this, is that although there are many different meanings to the word "help", you cannot help anyone who is not willing to accept it. You cannot help anyone who is not willing to help themselves. It is a sad truth, but one that will "help" you as long as you remember this. The only person you can help is yourself. So take care of YOU. DO not put yourself to the side to help someone else because in the end, it is you who will be hurt. Not them.

Job Searching -- 3rd Party Marketing

So, I went for a preliminary interview today at a third-party marketing company. The job duties would include office work as well as on-site promotional presentations for the company or companies we are representing. Right now, they are actually looking for people to train to become managers, so they can open about 5 other offices throughout the metroplex and pick up more clients. It would be 4 to 6 months of paid training, and then I would get to set up appointments and promotional events for the people under me.

I am really excited about this opportunity. They just called back for a second interview which will be all day Thursday. YEA!

Wish me luck!!

Church

McKeonly and I have finally found a church that I feel we both will gain something from. I know, it took almost three years, but we've moved every year since we've been up here and since she was born.

The church is actually still in the planting stages, here in Anna, but the original one is in Allen. The services, for now, are at 6 in the evening, so it gives us a chance to go out to the MX track with Jason during the day. But, last weekend, we barely made it back in time, and we were running out the door as soon as we got home from the track. I think I'll just start keeping better track of the time.

About the church, it's here in Anna. The first service was Easter evening. They're actually renting a building right now, but they've bought some land and are planning on building the new church within the year. It's A/G so I'm familiar with the principles, but it's nothing like the church I grew up in as a teenager. The people are genuine. They're more my age, and they have kids McKeonly's age. They also have a real good children's program for the kids. The pastor is anointed, and he has a huge heart for missions (i.e. church-planting, helping a country in need, reaching out to the lost)

Honestly, I feel a strong calling to this church. I feel like this church will be a key to helping the kids and teenagers of this town. There is a major drug problem, and there's not much more for the kids to do but have these "rainbow parties" and "cheese parties". I feel like this church and the people in it will be able to reach out to not just the kids in this town, but the adults as well, who are just "content" with life.